where’d my art go?

I’m often ridiculed for spending time watching PBS.  But besides being one of the few Amarillo stations in HD (YES) they have a wonderfully eclectic mix of shows highlighting the arts.  Tonight I watched a show on John Dowland’s music, “Songs from the Labyrinth” with Sting. The music was haunting. I watched as Sting and lutenist Edin Karamazov brought some deeply moving music.  Dowland was a fascinating composer.  As I watched that, I began to have a longing.  At one time, I thought of myself as an artist.  That was a long time ago.  I have dipped my toe in that pool a few times, but mostly feel cut off, or at the least, separated from that side of myself.  You would think being a paid Worship Minister would help this. After all, I’m called to use the arts to help people connect with Christ.  But if you’ve spent any time in C of C’s, you know that isn’t quite what it seems.  My experience has usually been that the more beautiful something is, the less it is appreciated by the general church public.  The more time and energy that is put into bringing “our best,” the more it is suspected as false, or a show.  Although the following comments do not directly relate to art, this relates to what has been the biggest struggle I’ve faced at Central.  While I have never felt we are able to bring quality art to the Lord, I  have felt that one of the things I bring to the table is an openness.  I often share life experiences and thoughts to help connect the songs we sing to our walk with Christ.  This has been, at least as I’ve heard from others, what has been the most meaningful as I help to serve as a “tour guide” on this corporate worship journey.  Since coming to Central, I have all but cut off that part of my ministry.  I came under heavy fire the first Sunday I was here for that and have never been able to move beyond that.  I was just thinking I was getting over myself and then…BAM.  A comment like what I last blogged about.
Now I understand that although my job is to first and foremost be a worshipper, it is also to serve as a guide.  I must take into account who I am helping to lead in worship.  So I therefore need to put the forms and functions that help those best connect with Christ to take priority over what helps me. It’s part of being a servant.  I get that.  But I’m not always mature and wish and wish people would “do it my way.”   But even more so, I struggle trying to balance the incredible diversity within our body.  What resonates with one person really offends or turns off another.  It’s almost like fighting a losing battle.  The goal turns from “What can we do to best support what we think God’s message is” to “What will cause the least amount of damage.”  That is a gross exaggeration, but it encompasses some truth.
I’ve been meaning to blog about this for quite some time.  It hit home with me while at Zoe in October.  I was talking with Angela about my struggles, and she hit the nail on the head.  She said something loosely like this, “Steven, you aren’t really being yourself.  You’re being who you think Central wants you to be.  One of the traits that made you a good worship leader was connecting with people and being real.  Sharing your heart with people.”  This comment came after a long discussion.  She said she noticed it as she watched one of the leaders share and it hit her what was missing from my ministry.

What do I do with all this?  I don’t know.  But please keep me in your prayers.

But I digress…

Here’s the question I asked as I watched Sting.  Would I be more connected to this “art” side if i wasn’t in full time ministry?  Would I bring a truer version of my heart to him?
I had a dream during one of the songs…

people gathered here in our living room sharing art.  All sorts of folks sharing their art (paintings, songs, poems, digital art, etc.) We were there for a concert.  A concert of art.  Each artist shared their work, why it was important to them, what it meant to them.  And we each appreciated it…not because of the product, but because of the heart of the artist.  How cool would it be to share our hearts with each other in this way, ESPECIALLY in light of our walk with Jesus.  It helps us celebrate what He is doing in and among us.  It helps us more fully share our doubts and fears.  I want to share what’s deep within my heart in the only way I know how.
I have a dream.

p.s. If anyone has actually made it this far in this post,  I promise to write a light, short blog next